The Research Blues

There are always ups and downs during research, and chances are there are more downs than ups. Can't say my research is going absolutely nowhere at the moment, but it certainly isn't too encouraging. And all I can do is stare and go "What the?" and try random things. But as everyone probably knows: it's all trail and error until you find that one breaktrough... ah well, let's hope that's going to happen soon...

Peace and quiet...

Well, almost quiet. Still can't live without music. Got the house to myself though. :) (seeing I still can't get into my uni office. Grr)

It's funny how no matter how rotten the day would be, seeing Pete seem to just cheer me up. :) Watched House of the Flying Daggers with him last night, and that cheered me up majorly. :) (It's got nothing to do with the fact that Andy Lau's in that movie.)

Finished reading And Then There Were None. Really really good book, wonder why I didn't start reading Agatha Christie's stuff earlier. Probably because I haven't been reading for way too long.

Gonna try to break down the coding thing into little bits and pieces today, hopefully get SOMEWHERE with teh coding and I'll be happy. :P I won't count on it though...

The irrationality that is depression

Sometimes you know you shouldn't be depressed, that it's not the time, and that you can't afford to be upset or breakdown. But it's normally then that the breakdown occurs. And it's a vicious cycle, one depressing thoughts will trigger others. I lost count how many times I caught myself having suicidal thoughts in the past few days. But it's not like I'm still young and all. Entertaining the thought of self harm isn't like it used to be. Especially when logically I know I have lots to be happy about. I have a perfect boyfriend, who's my everything. I'm, well, reasonably healthy. I'm living comfortably, doing soemthing that I like. Why the hell should I let small things break me down? But it does. And it really really annoys me. More than the actual depression does. The fact that I'm so weak piss the hell out of me. Doesn't help that there's someone around the place that constantly remind me how much of a failure I am and how I've failed my own father. I don't even know what it is that I've done wrong. When you got told to be something that goes against everything it is that you hold tight as your principal in life, what are you supposed to do?

Mayeb I should go drown myself in my research again. Forcing myself to work might be a good idea. At least it's productive.

Tired

Spent half the day in uni, trying to sort thigns out and, well, can't.

Recently just extremely tired. Don't know how much longer I can last. *sigh*

Dizzy spell...

Again.

I"m not too sure if it's stress induced or if it's my diet. I doubt it's a lack of food course I'm still dizzy after breakfast (and a whole bowl of cereal too!). So most likely, it's like last time when I had my dizzy spell. It's stress induced.

I wish I know how to relax properly. Thing is it's not even the research that's stressing me out. In fact the source of stress is kinda out of my control. Great.

Hopefully it'd get better soonish...

Sleepy...

Didn't sleep well last night. Got woke up at 9 this morning thanks to a phone call. So I'm still kinda sleepy...

Ah well. Hopefully I can get some reading done this afternoon. :)

Still no sight of car...

Spent a whole day cleaning the scans I did yesterday. Maybe I should've just photocopied it. But then again I really want an electronic copy, just helps a lot I guess. Now I just have to read them. Eek.

Still no sight of my car. They said they should have it ready by the middle of this week, and it's Thursday already. I know I said I'll call them on Friday, but maybe I'll call this afternoon, just to see what's happening... then again it's probably better if I pick it up tomorrow or Saturday: I can ask people to drop me off there rather than walking there again. :P So maybe I should call them tomorrow morning afterall. :P

Still feeling kinda depressed. Just that I'm thinking I'm overweight again. Really not good I know. Maybe I do need therapies...

Concentration. Or the lack of it.

It's really hard to concentrate to work today. Trying to understand how this bit of code actually work, as well as thinking the mechanics will call sometimes today and still haven't called yet, it's kinda hard to get anything done.

Weather has been cooling down lately. I don't know if I should be happy or not, considering we're thinking of going to Pete's bach again early March, and I kinda wanna swim when I get down there.

Ah well, we'll see.

Inspiration

Got a few ideas to try out for my project. It's all good really. :) I work a lot better when I have something to work towards, and see what I can find out of it.

Valentines day yesterday was FANTASTIC. Nothing really fancy, just gone to Borders and to my favourite place for dinner. But it's the simple things that matters I guess.

Kinda hungry right now. Probably should have lunch soon.

Problem solving skill

I used to pride myself with the fact that I'm good at lateral thinking and problem solving. Now I'm not too sure anymore. :|

Doesn't help either that it's technically out of my control.

Frankly, I just don't feel like caring anymore.

*sigh*

No Car for Lisa

Bleh! The mechanics said it'd take about a week to get my car fixed. And because I want it done ASAP, that means I don't have a car til Wednesday. It's probably not entirely a bad thing, and if I need to go into uni I can ask my brother for a lift. But "Bleh!" nonetheless.

Chinese New Year yesterday was, hmm, interesting. It's always a bit interesting to have Chinese New Years here in NZ (since it's not really a holiday, business as usual, except some business might put some Chinese New Year decor to keep the customer happy), adding the fact that it was Ash Wednesday, AND that I spent the day dealing with insurance and whatnots, it really wan't very "festive" at all. Although I did get to chat with my cousin in Hong Kong. Haven't talked to her for ages. Man I missed her.

Well, and all those who've decided to leave NZ to work/study/whatnot. You knwo who you are. :)

Feeling slightly better today. Having Pete around helps. I'm trying to take it easy for now. Just need to convince my supervisor to let me take it easy too...

Blurry eyes

It's the sudden sense of uselessness that hits me again. I just honestly don't know how to handle anything anymore. I know. It's not that bad. I'm trying to tell myself that too. Just being extra mindful about my depression at the moment now. At least if I keep myself in check it shouldn't get too bad. At the very least I don't think I'll go through the self harm stage.

Recently it's just been really stressful and that really doesn't help. Not just work wise, staying at home really can't help too much now that dad's back. Honestly he adds A LOT of stress around the whole household thanks to his way of, well, doing almost everything. I think I'm being psychologically worn out recently. I don't know.

I need a break.

Not a good day...

Crashed into another car today on my way to pseudo-work. :< I don't even know WHY I couldn't stop in time. It's as if my head just wan't really thinking at all and it just register what's in front of me a wee bit too late. It's not going to be cheap either, the other guys came back with a quote and eek... don't think mum's going to be happy (considering the car's still under her name...)

Anyway, uni office is still not fully furnished. That didn't help. Went to the robotic lab and my friend let me play Kamatari Damacy on the PS2 and that helps a little. I so need that game.

My whole body seems to be aching recently (no, not just after the crash. I was okay anyway.) and I wonder if it's to do with the way I sleep. and my new travelling mouse. (I'm just trying to blame something for the pain on my right hand) Back ache is VERY annoying. It's a lot better than before though. It was hurting when I take a deep breathe before. Now it's just... a mild dull pain...

Something just isn't right. *sigh*

It's so bad it's good

Found this gem from slashdot.

Basically a group of SciFi writing got together one long weekend and each pop out a chapter or two of this "SciFi novel" called Atlanta Night, and see whether it'll get published in this publisher who claims to that SciFi and Fantasy writer can't write good story adn therefore the quality bar is set lower. Great. So the few writers got together to see just how low the bar is. It's pretty amusing.

The publisher could very well think it's just a sample of postmodern writing. And why not? The postmordernism movement is still extremely perplexing. Honestly, at what point to you judge it's art and rubbish? There was this little quiz thingy on the web called "art or rubbish" (or something like that) to challenge the viewer to guess whether a certain object is a piece of art or a piece a of junk. And believe me it's actaully hard to tell sometimes.

Not that I'm old fashioned... well, okay I suppose I am, on certain issues like art, but honestly: people has to somehow draw a line somewhere. Then again where to draw the line?

Actually, come to think of it, maybe there isn't a line to start with.

Lack of motivation again

I'm not too sure if it's the heat, or the fact that I'm trying to force myself to read medical journal again, but it's very hard to get motivated to work at the moment. The heat doesn't help, and the work is just TOO boring. Grr...

Anyway, I'll see how it goes. The problem is I have a few too many side distraction at the moment: my sketching, guitar, writing, and Myst :P Eventually I'll get some work done I hope. But honestly, it should be illegal to force people to work in this heat.

Excessive heat

Went into uni today thinking I can get the keys to the new office. No such luck. :(

The heat makes it really hard to concentrate or work. Maybe it's just the nature of the work I'm supposed to be doing (i.e. reading medical journal) and it's really annoying. Grr

Anyway, I probably just at elast try to force myself to get some work done...

The definition of courage

There is this editorial for an US Catholic online newspaper that Pete reall likes, and I can see why. It comments on current issue without being particularly "religious" (that said, last I check the idea of doing good and moral and yadda yadda is still part of being a Catholic...). Although, the link that Pete sent over today just gave me a shock. It's about how for the Inauguration Day in US, the Irish news paper front story was this.

War has never been something I can comprehend. The fact that people are killing each other for peace is an absurd idea. And the fact that some people actually think war is a good thing? They can say all they want that it's serving their country, I'd like them to explain to me how killing children and civilian is serving the country.

And the fact that the country which claims to be "the leader of the world" voted for their president because he is pro war and killings.

And apperantly that is religious.

Which part of "love thy neighbour" don't you understand?